I am truly blessed to have a wonderful 16 year old son (yes really!). He’s a good kid who stays out of trouble, isn’t into drugs or booze, who gets acceptable grades and who generally does what is asked of him. I was in a straight marriage for 16 years before my divorce almost six years ago. If I had it to do all over again, I would hope that I would have “seen the light”, “had a clue” – you name the cliche – and that I would not have gotten involved in a straight marriage that would have ended in such heartache for my ex-husband. Yet, I don’t regret for a moment having our son.
Growing up, I pictured myself getting married some day but I never pictured myself with a child or children. Honestly, it was never one of my dreams. We were five years into our marriage before we had “The Boy” as he is often known. I fell in love with him immediately. Now, I’m far from the perfect mother and there are lots of likely “expected” mom type things that I just don’t do. I’m most certainly a loving, guiding, daily presence in is life though and the Boy is growing up just fine.
My wife, who has never had children of her own but who wants a child, almost completely disagrees with my parenting style and the way that I do things with regards to my son. She thinks I’m too easy on him. She’s quick to point out how she would do things. She does this with a friend of hers that has a two year old going through the terrible twos as well. Those of you who are parents are all shaking your heads…I feel you. All parents know that people who have never had children are always the quickest to give us advice about how to raise them. When we point this out to these “well meaning” people, we’re often chastised. My wife has given me a raft of crap in the past for daring to point out (as gently as possible, mind you) that someone who’s never been a parent really has no place telling me how to be one.
Back to her desire for kids; she wanted to do insemination but medically, she can’t. I’m too old to carry a child again without endangering my health. My son, bless him, was a high risk pregnancy. Anyway, now we’re talking adoption. There are a boatload of obstacles we have to overcome, not the least of which are her disagreement with my parenting style and the fact that the state we live in, Ohio, neither recognizes our marriage nor does it have 2nd parent adoption. As a result of this desire on her part though, I’ve been seeking resources about same sex adoptions and about raising children from birth in a lesbian household.
In my research, I ran across this book by Abbie E. Goldberg: Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle
About Dr. Goldberg:
Her research has examined the transition to parenthood in diverse families, including lesbian-parent families and adoptive-parent families. In particular, her work has focused on how families’ relationships and identities change across the transition to parenthood and how gender and sexual orientation figure into individuals’ adjustment and experience of parenthood. In addition, she has studied the experiences of adults raised by lesbian, gay, and bisexual parents.
And the synopsis of her book:
The past several decades have seen increasing controversies over lesbian and gay parenthood. More same-sex couples than ever are becoming parents, while society struggles to define their legal rights pertaining to marriage and parenthood. Against this sociopolitical backdrop, how do same-sex couples transition to parenthood, and what are their experiences as parents? Furthermore, what are the experiences of their children? Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children provides a comprehensive overview of the research on same-sex parenthood, exploring ways in which lesbian and gay parents resist, accommodate, and transform fundamental notions of gender, parenting, and family. The book takes a family life cycle approach, beginning with research on how same-sex couples meet and build healthy relationships, then describing how and why same-sex couples decide to have children and how they grapple with the changing roles each partner must adopt. Their experiences raising children through young adulthood are explored, including the challenges of interacting with their children s schools and teachers. In the end, the book considers the perspectives of the children themselves as young adults and adults speak out about their experiences having lesbian or gay parents. Integrating both qualitative and quantitative research, this book incorporates a range of disciplines, including psychology, sociology, sexuality/gender studies, and human development. It also highlights understudied aspects of same-sex parenting, such as termination of couple relationships. With practical recommendations in every chapter, this book is an indispensable resource for those who research lesbian and gay mental health and family issues, as well as those who provide services to lesbian and gay parents and/or parents-to-be.
This book is 233 pages packed with information. Don’t let Dr. Goldberg’s advanced education and her academic status dissuade you from picking this up. It’s very readable for the academic, the professional and for potential or new same sex parents. You’ll get quite a lot out of this book.
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