There is homophobia in my family and in my wife’s family. My parents, for the most part, have accepted that I’m gay. They welcome my wife into their home with open arms. My mom’s side of the family all knows the deal and we, because they do, attended the family reunion on her side this past summer. I’m sure there was so talk afterwards but, to our faces, everyone was very pleasant and welcoming. That side of the family has open experience with LGBT members as one of my 1st cousins has been with the same male partner for many years.
My dad, at first, said he didn’t want his family told. That meant an excuse the past 3 years at family reunion time for his side and a couple of trips into my hometown with no one being told we were coming… a very unusual situation. The last time we were there, for the reunion on my mom’s side, apparently my dad changed his mind. He told my mom later that night after we left that he didn’t care if his side of the family knew. I guess he saw that we were accepted as we were by her side and maybe that helped to sway him.
Well, his family will know soon enough. His sister-in-law, my aunt and the wife of my favorite uncle friended me on Facebook last week. I don’t hide who I am on the social networks. She’ll figure it out soon enough and then his whole side will know. Let the chips fall where they may.
My wife’s family is a totally different story. They’ve accepted me as a person and I’m welcome in all their homes. They haven’t necessarily accepted the fact that the reason I’m in their lives is because my wife is gay and that I am, in fact, her wife. Though everyone who knows my wife knows she’s gay, her family doesn’t acknowledge it at all. I’m still introduced everywhere by her mother as “my daughter’s friend”. Her sisters are a bit more advanced. They’ll introduce me as her “girlfriend”. My mother-in-law still has a photograph hanging in the family photo gallery of my wife with the man they all hoped she’d marry one day. There are none that include me. One of my sister-in-laws shudders anytime one of us says anything affectionate to the other. We have a long row to hoe with that side of our family.
We’re by no means alone when it comes to homophobia inside the family. Compared to others we’ve talked to, we’re in a better position than a lot of them. We’re older and we’ve learned to deal with it and move on. We pick our battles.
There’s an excellent book that’s been written on this subject; Ties That Bind: Familial Homophobia and Its Consequences
Although acceptance of difference is on the rise in America, it’s the rare gay or lesbian person who has not been demeaned because of his or her sexual orientation, and this experience usually starts at home, among family members.
Whether they are excluded from family love and approval, expected to accept second-class status for life, ignored by mainstream arts and entertainment, or abandoned when intervention would make all the difference, gay people are routinely subjected to forms of psychological and physical abuse unknown to many straight Americans.
“Familial homophobia,” as prizewinning writer and professor Sarah Schulman calls it, is a phenomenon that until now has not had a name but that is very much a part of life for the LGBT community. In the same way that Susan Brownmiller’s Against Our Will transformed our understanding of rape by moving the stigma from the victim to the perpetrator, Schulman’s Ties That Bind calls on us to recognize familial homophobia. She invites us to understand it not as a personal problem but a widespread cultural crisis. She challenges us to take up our responsibilities to intervene without violating families, community, and the state. With devastating examples, Schulman clarifies how abusive treatment of homosexuals at home enables abusive treatment of homosexuals in other relationships as well as in society at large.
Ambitious, original, and deeply important, Schulman’s book draws on her own experiences, her research, and her activism to probe this complex issue—still very much with us at the start of the twenty-first century—and to articulate a vision for a more accepting world.
I do highly recommend this book. It’s an important reference point for the LGBT community. It’s an even better eye opener for society at large – especially those that should be loving and supporting all of their family members and not just the straight ones.
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